Men's 3rd XI: Where's Captain Kirk?

Well, I coach the team, I pick the team, I get them to the same place at the same time each week (sometimes this is even the same place that the match is scheduled to happen), and I organise the team to make full use of our available resources. But this week I performed the greatest possible service to the team by not bothering to turn up. And lo and behold, somehow you manage to go and win 6-0 without me, you bleedin' ingrates.

Desperate pleas for someone to write a match report seem to have fallen on deaf ears, so now I also get to write a report of a game which I didn't play in. What follows is therefore gleaned from second hand accounts, the South website report, and bits of stuff which I think probably must have happened but if no-one else can be arsed to write anything then you can't contradict me anyway.

The afternoon began with Mike and Rob desperately trying to make some sense out of the notes I had e-mailed out the night before. Sadly my detailed master plan to nullify all South threats and to put together a fast moving passing game which would deliver at least 20 goals at the other end did not translate well to the written page. We therefore fell back on the tried and tested plan of putting the young lads up front while the older heads provided the ballast at the back, and we only scored 6. Missing me already, no?

The only exception to this nice and simple plan was our veteran striker Garth, who was back in the forward line following his return from last week's international duty. Man, I don't get the chance to write a sentence like that very often! Garth quickly demonstrated that the quality of the coaching he receives from Ireland O-50's is even better than the quality of the coaching he would receive if he was ever able to make it to Nomads training on a Tuesday night. He bagged a hat-trick to mark his return, and the match ball now sits proudly on his mantelpiece at home. Don't forget to bring it back next week though, will you?

Great to see Will bagging a couple, together with another one for Julian, ensuring that the combined age of the scorers for those three goals was less than the age of the scorer of each of the other three. Another superb stat that, Ely 2 in reverse.

Sean meanwhile was "making his presence felt" in midfield, with another clash of heads and the full use of all parts of his anatomy to break up opposition passing moves. Time will tell whether or not he gets to father any more kids after that.

And a promising return from the younger of the Mike Longsons, with a solid 20 minutes at centre mid, followed by limping back on to prop us up in the second half. It will surely not be long before he is moving even more quickly, smoothly and gracefully than his old man.

Other than that, congratulations to all of you for overcoming the humungous handicap of not having your skipper's reassuring and steady guiding hand on the tiller throughout the match. Out of sheer desperation you seem to have resorted to repeatedly putting the ball in the opposition net, which is a rookie error which I never would have allowed. 4-0 at half-time, 6-0 on the final whistle, on a cold and wet afternoon which I spent in a nice warm house enjoying a very long, convivial and wine-fuelled lunch with my extended family. Bit of a win-win really.

Very well done to everyone, our joint highest win of the season so far, and I'll just have to hope that I can find my way back into a winning team. But hey, I've just remembered! I pick the team! Bit of a result that, eh? Guess I'll see you Saturday after all.